Amid feeling waves of capability juxtaposed with choppy chaotic currents I thought it might be a good time to post the piece For whatever reason I’ve been feeling lonely and defeated despite being surrounded by people and opportunities for optimism. I thought sharing creative thought might cheer me up:
A quiet pensive mood fills the sterile air as I walk to the reception desk where a woman greets me and pulls up my purpose. Little interest or pleasure in doing things? The bland uncomfortable armchairs are spread across the waiting room in front of soft toned walls, features that have remained consistent no matter how many different waiting rooms at different times for different purposes I have entered. Feeling down? Depressed? Hopeless? The only thing that has changed is that magazines sit untouched and dusty on coffee tables because the ideal way to avoid eye contact now is to scroll aimlessly on one’s mobile phone. Trouble falling or staying asleep or sleeping too much? I pick an armchair in the corner and hear the air conditioning kick back on.
As I stare into the blank screen of my phone my mind is flooded with thoughts of past and progress. If everything here remains the same, am I still the same?
I imagine myself the first time I knew there was something wrong with me, when my parents sat with arms crossed and heavy hearts waiting for the doctor to tell them that it wasn’t their fault. Feeling tired or having little energy? I was so scared of what was to come, how do you go about fixing the way a mind works? Poor appetite or overeating? The same nervous energy buzzes through the goosebumps on my skin now, but maybe it’s in response to the cold air. Feeling bad about yourself or that you are a failure or have let yourself or your family down? Why are waiting rooms always so cold?
“Elizabeth?” a nurse in blue scrubs calls out as she scans the room for a response. I stand and follow with my head down as she leads me to the next waiting room. She checks my vitals and leaves me alone surrounded by four white walls, always the same. Trouble concentrating on things such as reading the newspaper or watching television? There is still the short fuse, the tendency to crumble, the worthlessness, and the yearning for my existence to cease, but there is something more. Thoughts that you would be better off dead or of hurting yourself? Beyond the laugh lines around my lips and eyes, beyond the tired cushions below my eyelids, beyond the color of my hair, beyond the hard wrinkle in the middle of my forehead, I have grown more than older.
I see, breathe, experience, and live a life filled with moments where my body is lit up with ecstatic energy and fall abruptly into times of deep destruction. You never know which one of me you will get or for how long, and neither do I. If yes to any of the above, has this made it difficult for you to do your work, take care of things at home, or get along with other people? It feels like I have been looping this path that lifts and drop passing through unchanging waiting rooms forever, but I am not the same as those chairs that have been in the exact same spot for the last twenty years. Sometimes I become trapped within myself, but I know it will pass. I will answer these same questions over and over aiming to balance the beautiful burden of my brain.